finally out

I have so many things in my mind right now that I’ve been wanting to tell you but I don’t know how. Everytime we talk I always try to find the perfect timing for this but it never came. Or maybe every conversation was the perfect timing and the real problem is that I was never strong enough to do this.
It occurred to me again, this time in the middle of my breaks against studying for an exam tomorrow. I kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning some sort of unfinished business. Consequently, I pause from studying and I start thinking about you.

And it always left me a touch of sadness.

As far as I was concerned, I made it a point not to think about you anymore, at least not that often as I used to, in the form of being busy with something else. There’s a lot of studying to do, friends to spend time and energy with, family affairs, tv, radio. There’s even a new object of affection in the rough. Works for the most part, I should say. Within the confines of my room with accounting books before me, there is forgetting.

Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. As long as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. There is no need to worry.

But somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously-learned skill. Moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of text messages and phone calls. Of yesterday’s seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever.

I have always yearned to understand what had happened between us. Us won’t even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with. We just hung out and talked and spent time together more often than we did with our other friends.. Sometimes it pained me that I could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.

I could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranting about your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. On the other side, I remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. I was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. For you once told me that listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so I did. I have always wanted you to be okay.

Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I convinced myself that you always meant well, whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression, or when you simplify things by saying that everything will be alright. I know I should not expect things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when I wanted more from you when you can only give so little.

You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you anything about it. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things. And that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness that I forgot about mine altogether.

And just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. I have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. And similar to any fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place.

So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second whenever we're together, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I’d be content with that idea, I’d be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all.

Perhaps I still do love you, but that won’t do much now. I can fight to save everything that I’ve invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for the one who is right for you. When you find her, I wish she makes you happy. You make her happy as well.

The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. For I am okay and I will be okay under all circumstances. It may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. I may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. Love is such a complicated mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a matter of working your way through it.

Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. You’ve taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened.

I don’t know what came into me but I took this opportunity, while I am still in my right mind, and while I still have the guts. I‘ve decided to tell this through a letter because I know hearing your voice will again change my mind and forget about myself and the hurt I am feeling. I know we’ve gone through this a lot of times already and I always end up giving in to my emotions but it was worth giving it a try. Malay mo baka ito na yun finally. The bottom line is it is really time for us to go our separate ways. We’re not helping each other anymore to be better persons instead we’re pulling each other down. I think it is time for me to finally leave this and grow up.
Note: This is a just a repost from I edited some parts lang that are not applicable. =)

love and stupidity

Sabi nila in life there are no mistakes made, only lessons learned. No matter how stupid you were or how intense your mistake was as long as you admit it and promise not to do it again eh okay na. Dahil daw the first time is always understandable but the second time will justify how stupid one person is.

Eh paano kung makarating ka isang point sa life mo na you actually miss being stupid… o tanga, para mas masakit sa tainga. Let’s admit it darating at darating tayo sa point na yun. And yes I am in that situation right now… I miss being stupid! Gusto ko maging tanga ulit!

I’ve been in that situation eh, yung first mistake. Some were calling me stupid already but I didn’t mind. I was happy and they cannot give that happiness to me kahit pagsama-samahin pa nila lahat ng efforts nila. That one person na sinasabi nilang cause ng katangahan ko was enough to make me the happiest girl alive. Parang you and me against the world drama. Ang saya sobra! My friends forgave me kasi nga daw first time. Okay lang daw dahil sige they want me to learn from my own mistakes. And one day daw mauuntog din ako at magigising sa kahibangan ko. Hindi nila ako kinakausap pero hindi rin naman sila galit. That day came nga na nauntog ako. Nagising na at natanggap na oo naging tanga ako. I left that situation with a more mature and stronger personality. I promised myself I would never allow that to happen to me again. I’m too smart for that. I deserve someone better. I am worthy of someone who would respect me, treat me well and sincerely love me.
Pero bakit ganito? Why do I suddenly miss being stupid? Bakit ko nakalimutan lahat ng natutunan ko? Actually I’m ignoring it lang… hindi ko nakalimutan. Ngayon hindi na siguro pagiging tanga ang tawag… pagtatanga-tangahan na! Eh ano magagawa ko?! Masaya ako dun eh. Masama ba maging masaya? Haaayyy…

Hindi ko na alam. Kahit ata ako eh give-up na sa sarili ko. Ang tigas ng ulo ko grabe. Ang tanga tanga ko talaga… eh teka… tanga nga ba talaga… o nagmamahal lang kasi? eewww!

7:58 pm

on happiness

Find out what makes you happy and follow what your heart tells you. They may call you foolish, but at least you are a happy fool, not a lonely, empty wise person.”

Would I rather be wise or foolish? Maybe we can answer this question by assessing the true motives behind whatever it is that we are feeling at that moment. The problem with a lot of us is that sometimes or many times we tend confuse love with infatuation, ego or revenge. If we can be sure that it is love then the next question would be if we are ready to face the consequences of our actions. In this world of uncertainty anything is possible. A well crafted plan cannot give an assurance that everything will fall into place, that everything will go our way. So if you think that you’ve considered every possibility or have planned for every contingency then it is time for you to answer the next question. Do you believe that this is really worth fighting for? Is he really worth all the possible pain and sacrifices you would have to go through? Actually answering all these questions could not resolve if you are being wise or foolish with your decisions. It would just aid you to come up with a resolution and understand what your heart is telling you. Nobody could judge if the decision you made is an act of being wise or being foolish. And the happiness you will feel will not depend on this either.

The most important thing that this quote taught me is that we have a choice. We cannot argue that we are in love or that we are being mesmerized by a certain feeling so we tend to do some stupid things. Loving someone for me, is still a decision, not a feeling. It is something that can be controlled. But going back to what the quote is saying it all boils down to one conclusion, do whatever it is that makes you happy. And nobody can decide for you or tell you what being happy means.

8:57 pm

on taking risks

There doesn’t have to be a reason for everything we do. That kind of takes the magic out of things, doesn’t it? Just like asking why the sky is blue and missing out on its blueness altogether.

Recently I learned how to take risks and why there are times we should stop asking why. Kaya nga when I met you I had to let my guard down. I don’t know why but I just felt I had to.

Now I am confused. I guess the real world is getting to me already. I had promised myself once to never let the world win. To believe in great impossible things when real life tells you otherwise. Pero I realized na hindi pala puwede yun. Because life, with its karmic nature will someday find a way to get back at you. Ayoko ng antayin yun.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for coming into your life and making it more complicated. I’m sorry for bringing you into situations where you were pushed to give in dahil lang wala ka ng magawa.

Until now I don’t know the reason why fate allowed us to meet or why we have this… ewan ko I don’t know what to call it. As of now ayoko munang hanapin yung sagot. I just feel we have to put an end to this before it gets out of hand at meron ng maskatan. I have to go now habang kaya ko pa. Everyday kasi it seems it becomes harder for me to get out of this na eh. Ayoko na antayin yung araw na hindi ko na kaya kasi mahal na kita. Ngayon na nakakpag isip pa ako ng tama eh dapat ng samantalahin. Araw-araw kasi hinahanapan ko sana ng logical reason yung mga ginagawa natin. Wala akong maisip kaya ng siguro mali talaga.

Thank you. I learned a lot from you. You are both lucky to have each other and whatever it is that you’re sharing. She is very lucky and blessed to have someone like you to love her. Treasure whatever it is that you have. It is something special na not all people will find. Don’t worry about me. I know someday I’ll find someone. Someone I can call my own. Hopefully din someone like you.

This is a letter written ages ago… hehe eto na naman ako sa ages ago. I forgot na kasi exactly when pero siguro mga October of last year (2003). I never had the chance to give it to that person. If ever he’ll read this… I am so happy that you came into my life. Ano man ang reason I still don’t know yet pero I learned a lot from you… as in a lot. A big part of who I am now is because of you and I will forever be grateful. And I am so happy that we were given another chance to share something else ngayon. This time I will never let it go. I hope and I’ll make sure na we will be friends ‘till we grow old. =>

hardest things

- being questioned when you yourself don't understand
- pretending to be innocent of what you really know about
- trying to FORGET something you know you NEVER will
- debating with yourself- knowing what's wrong and what's right
- growing up
- accepting that some things are not meant to be
- trying to understand when you just can't
- being the last to know about something that concerns you most of all
- realizing that you have been tricked after you've given your whole trust
- realizing that you have taken the most important things for granted
- parting with someone you've just learned to love
- saying sorry when you mean it
- saying what you really feel and explaining where you stand
- knowing what is best yet doing the exact opposite
- bracing yourself for the worst kind of pain... and still hurting so much
- loving someone too much and learning to love the pain that goes with it... that even if you learned to let go of the person... you still go on missing the pain you once felt
- denying to yourself that you're falling... then finally you realize that indeed you have fallen when it's too damn late and you can't get out- knowing deep inside that you love someone yet you can't say it out loud