take the wheel

"The moment you start blaming yourself for the death of the people around you, you're never coming back."

When do we become too attached? How would you know if you've already made yourself too involved into something?

I was watching Scrubs this morning and found myself relating to what Dr. Cox and JD were going through. Several patients died that day under their care. They started to blame themselves for the death of these people that they failed to focus on the still living people around them. They allowed themselves to be too affected by the situation that they failed to function as to what are expected from them. They even came to a point of quitting.

This happened to me last week . Although I'm not a doctor and I am not dealing with life and death situations, but still my work and what I was going through affected me so much. It has consumed me physically, mentally, emotionally and even spiritually. Yes I know I'm over reacting. I myself cannot even explain why I've allowed myself to be affected by the situation.

I do love the challenge. I enjoy the adrenaline rush everytime I'm dealing with critical issues like this. It sort of reaffirms what I am as an analyst or as a person can do. It kinda gives you power and control thinking that this is something very difficult or no one can resolve but I was able to do it.

And then it hit me.

It made me think why it became so important for me to prove to myself and to everyone that I... I alone... can do it. It's like I've been using situations like these to make me feel important and needed. It has already become my own measure of self worth. I am again facing the control freak side of me that I've been trying to get rid off. I am again trying to control my life when just a few years ago I surrendered my life to Jesus.

Enjoying life doesn't have to mean you're in control of everything. It is having that unexplainable peace in your heart and mind knowing that someone is taking care of you and has prepared the most perfect plan for you.

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.